Category: Senior Jenf

Feb 15, 2014
Amy’s Wedding

Nice drive to Camarillo, CA to attend Amy’s wedding, Ma’s Niece. Drove by the home we sold in 1980, $1.5M 34 years later.

Jenf loves to travel, especially to a wedding because so many family and friends are in reach to allow a long visit. $50K for the wedding.

Sam Hunt – 23

No matter where I go, no matter what I do
I’ll never be 23, with anyone but you
… … …
But you’ll never be 23 with anyone but me

August 22, 2016 – 71

Ma’s been playing with Lisa at Hairitage for decades. Touched by an angel. Always a funny story brought home from Kevin at the Salon. Dinner and a movie sort of experience for Ma every visit, about 6 to 8 weeks, rinse and repeat. Ma wasn’t ever giddy about her visits, but going to play with Lisa and Kevin was one of those looking-forward-to-it events. We would always go somewhere to show off Ma’s latest coiffure. State Fair this year for sure – probably that afternoon or evening!

Damn Ma, so young to be touched by the end of time, you should be here…

You Should be Here – Cole Swindell

It’s perfect outside its like god let me dial up the weather
Got the whole crew here, I ain’t seen some of them in forever
It’s one of those never forget it, better stop and take it in kinda scenes
Everything’s just right yeah except for one thing

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer
Saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d
Be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be here

You’d be taking way too many pictures on your phone
Showing them off to everybody that you know back home
And even some you don’t yeah
They say now you’re in a better place
And I would be too if I could see your face

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer
Saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I had just one wish
It’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
Aw you should be here

You’d be loving this, you’d be freaking out, you’d be smiling, yeah
I know you’d be all about what’s going on right here right now
God I wish somehow you could be here

Oh you should be here

Yeah this is one of those moments that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I have just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
Aw you should be here
You should be here

https://youtu.be/19Hy-T1-rbA

Sept 2, 2019
Family get together when we got back from our drive.

So, so good of us to get together as often as we did. How could we know, only four days left for us to bask in your glow… damn…! You are sorely, sorely missed.

Wonder if getting on, after, has begun? Such heart break, heart ache… Getting older without you wasn’t the plan, even though we never discussed those options. Never, ever thought of you as ‘old’ – you’re my so much better half!

Nat King Cole – Unforgettable

Unforgettable
That’s what you are
Unforgettable
Tho’ near or far

Like a song of love that clings to me
How the thought of you does things to me
Never before
Has someone been more…

Unforgettable
In every way
And forever more
That’s how you’ll stay

That’s why, darling, it’s incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am
Unforgettable, too

Unforgettable
In every way
And forever more
That’s how you’ll stay

That’s why, darling, it’s incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am
Unforgettable, too

Nov 2, 2019

We’re on the road again, just because. No awareness in four days the end of time will touch Ma. Family visit the night before and still no warning. Ma mentioned she felt ‘weird’, but where to go, what to do? Turns out, ‘feeling weird’ is so much to know.

Damn, Ma, death is so… permanent…!

Jake Owen – Made for You

Water towers are made for hearts and names
Friday nights are made for football games
Fallin’ leaves are made for fallin’ in
Front porch steps are made for goodnight kissin’
And I was made for you, yeah I was made for you

Summer jobs are made for spendin’ cash
Second dates are made for goin’ fast
Early curfews are made for sneakin’ past
Two AM was made for pissed off dads
And I was made for you, yeah I was made for you

Oh like a ship without a sea
Or a song without a melody
I don’t know where I’d be or what I’d do
‘Cause I was made for you

Smoky bars are made for “How ’bout a dance?”
Open roads are made for holdin’ hands and
Laid back seats are made for young love
Two pink lines are made for growin’ up
And I was made for you, yeah I was made for you

Like a ship without a sea
Or a song without a melody
I don’t know where I’d be or what I’d do
‘Cause I was made for you

Tiny shoes are made for tiny feet
My two arms are made for where you sleep
Sky was made for the moon and stars
You were made to steal my heart
And I was made for you, yeah I was made for you

https://youtu.be/IAovRvfN-1c

Disneyworld Dec 2005

Ma is adorable! Mickey is close? How to compare…?

Time is short, feel it grind as it passes. Time rips a new one when combined with music, an old companion, and idle hands. Feel the glow when browsing a photo album, but don’t add music because the old companion makes that “new one” bleed.

Time heals all wounds, but true love has consequences.

Ah well, but that’s the fun part, isn’t it…!

Where’s the snappy comeback when asked, ‘How are you?’. Never was a facade. Always get unvarnished, no apologies, this is me! But, my so much better half is in the ether, molding ‘this is me’ into…? My heart will go on, trade ya…

Celine Dion:

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more, you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go ’til we’re gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I’d hold to
In my life, we’ll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on (why does the heart go on?)
Once more, you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We’ll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart and
My heart will go on and on

Celine Dion: My Heart will go on…

Sept 26, 2018 – life,
only a year left,
does it show…?

Youngblood thinks there’s always tomorrow
I miss your touch on nights when I’m hollow
I know you crossed a bridge that I can’t follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get
I want you to know that if I can’t be close to you
I’ll settle for the ghost of you
I miss you more than life

And if you can’t be next to me
Your memory is ecstasy
I miss you more than life

Youngblood thinks there’s always tomorrow
I need more time but time can’t be borrowed
I’d leave it all behind if I could follow

Justin Bieber: I miss you more than life…

July 5, 2006

Sunny side of the street…

So many songs by so many of Ma’s favorite people are still tear jerkers and probably will be until the end of time touches me.

They inspire thoughts of history as soul mates since we fancied each other from our first meet at the Blue Grotto Coffeehouse in Hollywood.

We played together a few times with my driving buddies in my 57 Chevy wagon (not the Bel Air) whose tires perfectly fit the railroad tracks that made for a thrill ride for as long as we could ride them.

Somehow, we gravitated and Jenf asked me over to her place. Jenf earned a living by selling Free Press in Hollywood – go figure – and I was 17…

After a few months together in the “free-love” scene in Hollywood, living on Jenf’s unemployment, I got a job and we got a duplex and that was the beginning…

Muscle Beach comes to mind. We loved the beach and particularly that beach because we lived near it and visited a lot.

Santa Monica Pier comes to mind too. Spent a lot of time on the beach there and under the Pier.

Last place I remember Jenf and I picnicking was on the bank of Fountain Creek that runs along the wooded on-ramp at the start of Manitou that gets you onto Hwy 24 going East. On the opposite side of that on-ramp is the road that goes to the Garden of the Gods Entrance near Balancing Rock. A hiker walked by but didn’t stop to chat.

But Love, death is so – permanent… and recovery for us survivors is – glacial…

The Shadow of your Smile – Tony Bennett

The shadow of your smile
When you are gone
Will color all my dreams
And light the dawn
Look into my eyes
My love and see
All the lovely things
You are to me

Our wistful little star
Was far too high
A teardrop kissed your lips
And so did I
Now when I remember spring
All the joy that love can bring
I will be remembering
The shadow of your smile

Photo of Jenf in our spot on Jan 29, 2018.

Jenf being my so much better half in our spot at the Garden of the Gods. We’d park and watch and do our thing until it was time to go. Many, many times we wouldn’t get the “front seat” but most times we were able to get the front parking spot. When Ma got her handicap parking tag, we’d park at the front spot at Balancing Rock to watch and do our thing – camera out – and we’d catch a lot of people in antics they’d never dream about.

I am thankful for all the moments of my life that led me to Jenf and for the very rewarding, satisfying and too short a run together.

Till death do us part is such a profound statement in a vow of marriage. Well, death has parted us and I absolutely have no desire to seek or find anyone else to fill the void. I’m cured after 50 years, 6 months and 13 days of happily ever after and nothing’s going to crack the mold that is left of me to let anyone else in, till death do us part…

Jim Croce – Dreamin’ Again:

Don’t you know I had a dream last night
That you were here with me
Lyin’ by my side so soft and warm
And we talked a while
And shared a smile
And then we shared the dawn
But when I woke up
Oh my dream, it was gone

Don’t you know I had a dream last night
You were here with me
Lyin’ by my side so soft and warm
And you said you’d thought it over
Said that you were comin’ home
But then I woke up
From my dream it was gone

I’m not the same
Can you blame me
Is it hard to understand
I can’t forget
You can’t change me
I am not that kind of man

Don’t you know I had a dream last night
When everything was still
And you were by my side so soft and warm
And I dreamed that we were lovers
In the lemon scented rain
But when I woke up
Oh, I found that again
I had been dreamin’
Dreamin’ again
I had been dreamin’
Dreamin’ again

Must be 4th of July. Better yet, a moment to cherish a few days after a 73rd Birthday – 8-14-2018. Can’t believe only one more year on Earth until “the next great adventure”. Damn…

So many times Ma quit smoking. So many times… Emphysema for many, many…, many years, then suddenly the Doc says arrhythmia just a few days before a long awaited knee replacement, “…but that won’t affect your surgery…”

A movie the other day expressed how so many people suffer for a very long time before their next great adventure, and how so very, very…, very few suddenly change gears to quickly get to their next adventure. Is that lucky…? Have to answer ‘yes’ from this side, thinking about how we carry the bod around with us, how it has its way with us, and how there are so many things in it that shift gears without asking permission. Its a mystery…

And so it goes – Tommy Emmanuel:

https://youtu.be/k9-Zz6CkMZs

Look at those 72 year young smiling chops on Ma’s birthday August 11, 2017. Love you Ma, and your… adorableness!

Its sacred ground where you visit, anyplace on Earth. Life is so very shallow without you. Just keep breathing and preserve your presence…

What does the future hold? I’m living in a kind of daydream. You’ll never know how slow the moments go.

Venus is the brightest planet in the sky right now. You can’t be that far away. Tomorrow is two years since you were touched by the end of time – its sacred now…

Damn Love, death is so, permanent!

Those Who Wait – Tommy Emmanuel:

Ma started to feel “old” and tired after all her surgeries and expected even more in the near future. Starting tomorrow, on her knee was yet another one, and Ma’s terrified she’ll die on the operating table. Just today, a new Doctor took off the nail on her thumb because it was swelling from underneath. The Doc took a sample of what was growing underneath and sent it to the lab for analysis. A few weeks later, I learned it was not cancer, which was the concern that urged us to get the nail removed sooner than later.

There was Ma, going tomorrow for knee surgery, and we just hobbled her hand to really mess with her mobility and recovery after getting a metal knee. I’m such an idiot. Nail removal could have waited until long after knee recovery, but the lump under her thumbnail was so big and starting to hurt…damn…

Wonder if Ma ever thought…

And I looked down. My hands looked different. I have these wrinkles now. My legs have varicose veins and I’m a little lumpy in parts, and stretchy and flaky and…

And I have a few gray hairs and… suddenly… I’m 74, and my better half is five years younger… and I suppose I just lost track of time.

If only he knew how much he meant to me. If only I knew how much I meant to me.

Old age is a strange, blunt foe. And it fights dirty. It isn’t fair.

At first, I started noticing it years ago when I turned 64 – this matter of “old”. Its little things, but little things add up. How unfair. I paid my dues. Took my seat.

But how unfair that I have things I feel and I think and I know. I have funny jokes sometimes. Really funny jokes. Yeah, I’m bold in that way. And I’m wickedly smart. I mean, sometimes I think of things, you know, inventions and things… if I had the time or the money, and…

And heck, I’m sexy in here too. I’m sexy. I could put on a red lip. I could put on some rouge. I could dance and love and excite and need and deserve and exist – I am a person…

And so, that night, that night when I got to bed. I realized, if I was destined to disappear due to old age, I was going to do it on my own terms – adventure ahead – to finally – be…

Maybe I could dance like I used to before I stopped. And maybe I could be myself again. But that version of me that I’ve always been was a girl that said yes and wasn’t scared and could see herself. Maybe I’ll start. Maybe tomorrow is a new day. I mean, 74 isn’t so old when you think about it. 74 isn’t so old from where I’m sitting. So, starting tomorrow, I’m gonna be a whole new me. A whole new Jennifer. Tomorrow, its time for Jennifer to “do Jennifer”, as they say.

And tomorrow came, but Ma’s “adventure ahead” was different for me. Just right for Ma though, doing things on her own terms, just like she always said, “If I’m going to go, I want to go just like my Grandma, in bed, asleep.”.

But love, there’s so very much more of you to see than anyone I’ve seen or known or heard in my whole existence. Damn love – death is so – permanent…!

Two hundred years from now, even two thousand years from now; still, after two hundred million years from now, you and me and all of us “back then” had our time for the few short moments granted to us. There is no “end” to always or permanent.

Ah Ma, wish I could have made a difference in your life.

Yes Love, Always…

Ma carrying Debbie’s birthday cake at home on October 10, 2010. There’s a pretty good heat plume off those candles that the camera picked up. Wonder if Ma had to wear her carpal tunnel brace because of placing so many candles – nah… Ma suffered with carpal for decades and finally could no longer use ibuprofen for relief. Ma loved to crochet and paint but those gifts were lost to carpal and arthritis and were sorely missed. We treasure those enduring gifts that were made by Ma’s hands.

Damn Ma, death is so… permanent…!

Jim Croce sings:

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can’t be true
That’s all I’ve left of you

Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day…

March 6, 2019, Ma sharing a favorite dessert at a favorite walk-in, Gunther Toody’s. Always dessert 1st is a well known fact for us. Enjoying it at the end of a meal is way, way, way too late. Who’d have thought, eight months later, walk-in’s could never be…

Jim Croce gives us a moment:

Don’t you know I had a dream last night
That you were here with me
Lyin’ by my side so soft and warm
And we talked a while
And shared a smile
And then we shared the dawn
But when I woke up
Oh, my dream it was gone

Don’t you know I had a dream last night
You were here with me
Lyin’ by my side so soft and warm
And you said you’d thought it over
Said that you were comin’ home
But then I woke up
From my dream it was gone

I’m not the same
Can you blame me
Is it hard to understand
I can’t forget
You can’t change me
I am not that kind of man

Don’t you know I had a dream last night
When everything was still
And you were by my side so soft and warm
And I dreamed that we were lovers
In the lemon scented rain
But then I woke up
Oh, I found that again
I had been dreamin’
Dreamin’ again
I had been dreamin’
Dreamin’ again

Famous words from everyone with a desire to keep doing what they like to do until the very end:

“Come on, how many pleasures I got left, huh?”

As a loved one fills you with words about their hopes and desires, you can’t deprive them of life’s little pleasures, but, the knowledge that your life will be deprived of your loved one sooner than later is even more profound.

Ah well, we all make sacrifices for our loved ones – but – shoulda, woulda, coulda is so very painful in hindsight…!

50 years – 6 months – 10 days is not enough – but – when you hear “Come on, how many pleasures I got left, huh?” – its oh so very hard to shoulda, woulda, coulda…

Kenny Rogers sings that so well…

I wanted you for life, you and me in the wind
I never thought there’d come a time that our story would end
It’s hard to understand but I guess I’ll have to try
It’s not easy to say goodbye

For all the joy we share, all that time we had to spend
Now if I had one wish, I’d want forever back again
To look into your eyes and hold you when you cry
It’s not easy to say goodbye

I remember all those great times we had
So many memories, some good, some bad
Yes and through it all, those memories will last forever

There’s peace in where you are, maybe all I need to know
And if I listen to my heart, I’ll hear your laughter once more
And so I have to say I’m just glad you came my way
It’s not easy to say goodbye

Jenf loves Christmas – surrounded by family and gifts for all. I always lovingly called Ma, Mrs. Excess, from the movie “Meet Joe Black”, where Allison says to her Dad during Birthday Party prep:

“There’s more to come. Lots of excess, like you love.”

Fortunately, for most of our years, we could enjoy “excess”, especially at Christmas. Our pay-as-you-go Amex card was really a cash-flow machine that Ma used to our advantage. Sometimes stretching one payment into two…

Kenny Rogers says it for me:

Lady, I’m your knight in shining armor and I love you
You have made me what I am and I am yours
My love, there’s so many ways I want to say “I love you”
Let me hold you in my arms forever more

You have gone and made me such a fool
I’m so lost in your love
And oh, we belong together
Won’t you believe in my song?

Lady, for so many years I thought I’d never find you
You have come into my life and made me whole
Forever, let me wake to see you each and every morning
Let me hear you whisper softly in my ear

In my eyes, I see no one else but you
There’s no other love like our love
And yes, oh yes I’ll always want you near me
I’ve waited for you for so long

Lady, your love’s the only love I need
And beside me is where I want you to be
‘Cause, my love, there’s somethin’ I want you to know
You’re the love of my life, you’re my lady

Caught, doing our thing, at home, May 27, 2019. Our “Golden Anniversary” gave us a spirited moment on April 23, 2019.

Tony Bennett and K.D. Lang sing it for me:

Because of you there’s a song in my heart
Because of you my romance had its start
Because of you the sun will shine
The moon and stars will say you’re mine
Forever and never to part

I only live for your love and your kiss
It’s paradise to be near you like this
Because of you my life is now worth while
And I can smile
Because of you

We learned about free-day at State Parks and visited Castlewood Canyon State Park on August 6, 2018, which is about 30 minutes from home on Hwy 83. The Park has a sincerely unique landscape in the high plains of Colorado. Nice overcast day to be out and only a short walk to the terrace that overlooks the Canyon. Of course, we visited the Park on the weekend and learned the free-day wasn’t until Monday…hmm… Ah well, off we went to Ikea since its only a little bit down the road. Turns out, Ikea became a destination for us to get toys for Milo and the occasional set of glasses or utensil or pot or plant or carpet or… well, there’s always something there that we really can’t do without. We got Milo a tunnel that fit inside a little tent that I played with as much as Milo. Lots of neat trinkets in there and a cafeteria. We rented a get-around vehicle they offer but Ma really didn’t like that it wasn’t self powered like the toys at the State Fair that could do wheelies. Ma is much too independent to rely on someone else to push her around in a get-about. Needless to say, we didn’t rent the toys again. What a day to remember since we visited Mueller State Park and another Park to drive many miles. Browsing photos and movies to find just the right one of Ma to post kindles so much “Damn, Ma…!” or “Oh, Ma…!” and “Oh, Love…!”.

I really, really hope Ma’s Nexus is all she needs to be getting on with.

The Commodores trigger profound emotion (like the 1st day…)

Thanks for the times that you’ve given me,
The mem’ries are all in my mind.
And now that we’ve come to the end of our rainbow
There’s something I must say out loud.

You’re once, twice, three times a lady, and I love you.
Yes, you’re once, twice, three times a lady, and I love you.
I love you.

When we are together the moments I cherish,
With every beat of my heart.
To touch you, to hold you, to feel you, to need you.
There’s nothing to keep us apart.

You’re once, twice, three times a lady, and I love you.
I love you

Ma in 2014 with Santa Joe (Joe = Jolly Ole Elf). Ma visited Santa Joe each year for a very long time and they really got to know each other. You know how Ma is, after a visit, you’ll know she’s precious and you’ll look forward to seeing her again.

Covid in 2020 is a struggle for Santa Joe:

You know Ma would have found a way to hug the Ole Elf, mask and all. Damn Ma, death is so… permanent…! I so hope your time away has been everything you thought it would be, and better because you deserve more for all you’ve done for us.

Scene just south of Crested Butte where Ma and I would sometimes visit during the winter. Ten foot drifts in town on some visits. This year, just after Thanksgiving, no problem walking around town or visiting Mt. Crested Butte. 212 mile trip from home to the end of road at the Mt., which is at 9376 feet. Lots of hikers parked at the trail head. Got to be that Ma had trouble breathing at high altitude if we didn’t increase O2 flow; however, crank up the flow and monitor absorption to get to 90% and all is good…!

Missed out on a family get together at Thanksgiving this year due to fear of Covid transmission. I have a persistent cough and wheeze and tested for Covid but no temperature and no results yet. Covid has changed our lives but Ma would adapt and carry on. I don’t know anybody that has been physically affected by Covid but so many of us are victims of its economic impact.

I know Ma would love Tommy Emmanuel:

Jenf’s Mom and Dad, Irene and Ron, had their day too and lived to raise 5 to adulthood. Jenf was their first born in Manchester, England, August 11, 1945, less than a month before the end of WWII. Small world after all for Jenf’s parents to get her to the USA, where she was raised. What a miracle for Jenf to be in a teen bar in Hollywood at age 21, where I ran into her with my teen friends. I had the only car in the group. A ’57 Chevy wagon, whose wheelbase just fit railroad tracks in the City. Such a smooth ride! Jenf was really impressed.

I owe my life to my much better half and all my time is Jenf’s – and we spend our time together. If I could be in two places at one time, I’d be with Jenf!

Jenf’s death is not a karmic punishment for me. Ma didn’t do anything to deserve death and all this pain I live with is what I deserve after so terribly failing her. I’m to blame for not paying enough attention to a discovery 10 days before Ma died that she had arrhythmia. Never, ever came up before and we had knee surgery to prepare for. Ma’s FitBit told the story a few days before she died, but I was distracted by upcoming surgery – damn me for my neglect…!

I feel intense sorrow for my loss and for so terribly failing Ma. I get emotional very often as though it was the first day. They say, this stage might be the longest one in the grieving process.

How can I ever learn to accept the death of my much better half, which they say is usually the last step in the grieving process. Somehow, I’m also supposed to learn how to live without my much better half. From my experience over the past year, I’ll always feel the loss and guilt, but somehow, I’m supposed to move on without feeling guilty about my much better half not being in my life – such betrayal. A cheerful thought is, Ma wouldn’t want me to be sad forever – just be myself. But, I’m a “Howard Homebody” that broods over everything. I’ll forever cherish the life Ma gave to me – over 52 years.

2006, Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas, NV

They say, much of the grieving process takes place over the course of a calendar year, and grief can reappear suddenly for many years after the loss. For now, I sometimes feel like its the first day and don’t see less grief in my future.

I’m supposed to lead a normal life, but I’ve lost my way or don’t believe I deserve to find a way. They say, sad feelings might always be a part of life, but they should not be the dominant force in life…hmm…

They say, I’ll have trouble eating, sleeping and exercising, and after a time, I’ll need to reestablish healthy habits to get my life back on track. My life-track is Jenf, forever, and especially so for the past dozen years since retirement, and before that, I had very few hobbies. I’ve never had an exercise routine and only later in life did I have trouble sleeping, but I never had trouble with eating. Ma always says I’ll eat anything put in front of me. However, I don’t cook and only eat stuff out of a drive-through or fast food walk-in, which I do in moderation to avoid gaining weight – such misplaced discipline.

They say, I’m supposed to establish new patterns if my old habits are making it difficult for me to move on. These new things are not supposed to mean that I’ve abandoned my much better half; instead, its supposed to mean I’m planning for the future…hmm…

They say, I should rearrange the furniture if everything in our home reminds me of my much better half. I wouldn’t change a thing, and haven’t. I very much want everything to remind me of Jenf. Nowadays, I obsess over stupid stuff and often focus on cleaning an object or area so thoroughly that is looks new.

They say, I should keep watching the television shows that Ma and I watch but with a new somebody. Hah, I’m a “Howard Homebody” and don’t see much chance of changing my core. I have a good relationship with family and people I know but being a loner stresses those relationships, since its not in me to “visit”. But this is me, and I never was anything like Ma. Ma is a people-person who visits with a stranger and walks away as though they’ve known each other since childhood. I’m pretty sure I hide behind Ma’s ability to socialize. Ma has enough “social” in her for the both of us, but now I’m alone and getting really comfortable in being alone, approaching the “hermit” achievement level.

They say, I should return to my old activities once my grief has subsided. They say, I’m not forgetting Jenf; instead, I’m allowing myself to move on, which will allow my memories with Jenf to bring me happiness instead of sadness. Hah, my old activities are being with Jenf, 24×7. Somehow, I’m supposed to find the old “me”. I’ve gained 40 pounds since I was 18 years old and the old me is no longer cruising Hollywood Blvd or playing at the beach.

They say, I’m supposed to return to my favorite activities. After the initial loss and pain, I’m supposed to try to reintroduce my favorite habits and routines back into my life, which will serve as a distraction from my pain and allow me to get to a “new normal”. These activities are supposed to be especially important if they are a source of friendship and companionship. Hah, I’m a loner with few favorite activities. Since Ma is no longer here to keep me focused, I obsess over stuff. For instance, I made the oven sparkle like new and I make coffee that tastes like Starbucks, and I’ve overcome the cold inside during winter with thermals and outerwear. I won’t pay a car-payment-level heating bill, which would distress Ma because she is so sensitive to the cold. I do set the furnace to 50 degrees and it comes on a lot when its cold outside. I work everyday for hours on products for our website business, which is a source of grief for Ma. I am always late, because I am “working”.

“We haven’t left yet!*?” echos through the hallways in our home.

They say, I’m supposed to embrace new experiences. If there’s a place I’ve always wanted to visit or a hobby I always wanted to try, now might be a good time to do something new. The new experiences won’t eliminate the pain, but they might allow me to meet new people and find new pathways to happiness. Hah, fat chance for a hermit-level loner.

Ma and I go on long drives all the time because we don’t want to do “housework” for our retirement. A 10 or 12 hour day on the road with just the two of us chatting-away is extremely satisfying. I’ve done a few road trips over the past year, and I really get emotional when I see some of the old stomping grounds.

They say, I’m supposed to forgive myself. After a loss, I might find myself getting distracted, making mistakes, letting things slide around the house – that’s so true. I only vacuum to commit a neat after the cat shreds a box or scatters bits of his food while eating, and I break-out the carpet cleaner after he yacks. The only “thing” I’ve done around the house is hang a set of curtains at the front window, and do the laundry, and cat box, and put the trash out, and pay bills, and make a list of stupid things to do or to buy so I don’t forget. Well, after a year, I can see the list of things I do is starting to get cluttered. The old saying, “Nobody notices what I do until I stop doing them!” is in a small framed picture in the house somewhere – so very true Ma! Laundry is pretty simple. Dump it all in because there’s not enough to fill the washer.

I’m supposed to forgive myself for any errors I might make, which are normal and to be expected. I will not be able to pretend like nothing has happened, and it might take a long time after a loss to feel normal again. I’m supposed to give myself time to recover. Well, today is Ma’s going away Anniversary and I’m definitely giving myself time, and I don’t feel guilty about it. Time is all I’m doing and stupid stuff to fill-in the day until night when I hope for a dream with Ma in it, and I get one now and then. One is especially memorable!

They say, I’m supposed to understand that grief will not disappear entirely, even after I reestablish a life. The grief might come back at unexpected times. One thing they say is true, grief is like a wave that sometimes subsides and sometimes returns. I allow myself to sincerely feel these feelings whenever they occur, and they mostly occur when I’m listening to music and during a long drive, or all of a sudden when I feel sorry for myself for having lost my much better half. Death is so… permanent!

They say, I’m supposed to think of the future. Above all, continue to move forward with my life and seek my own happiness. A cheerful thought is, my much better half would not want me to get stuck in a cycle of despair. I’m supposed to grieve, move on, and live my life. I’m supposed to move into a bright and happy future and take the memories of my much better half with me. Well, I grieve for my much better half and grieve for that part of me that died when Ma went away. They say, the loss I feel is really about how I experience the absence of my much better half and how I process the emptiness I feel without Ma…hmm…

They say, mourning and grieving are essential for healing to occur. I’m supposed to gather my sense of self, let go of Ma, and move on. Therapeutically, I’m supposed to become aware of a sense of “healing” once I’ve shifted my perspective from asking “why” to determining “how”. “Why”, keeps me mired in the past, searching for reasons that will not give me adequate answers. “Why”, leaves me in a situation beyond my control. “How”, implies action. “How”, is supposed to propel me to the road to recovery. “How”, is supposed to begin the process of working through my loss, eventually finding a way to start my life over again – renewed. “How”, lights the way to other possibilities that will hopefully restore meaning and purpose to my life – moving forward…hmm…

I heard a song by Matt Stell with a title, “Everywhere But On”, and one lyric caught my heart strings:

Guess there’s just one place I haven’t gone. I’ve moved everywhere – but on!

The lyrics are out of context with losing Ma, but I can make most of the lyrics in the song “fit” my circumstance with a little tweaking. Of course, I know I’m not unique in this world because billions of other people have… moved on.    (…to what?)

After a loss, I’m supposed to take whatever time I need to grieve (and heal), which could be days, weeks, months, or years. Like most things in life, there is no magic amount of time. They say, people seek closure, but I don’t feel like closure is anywhere near me or that I understand what “closure” is. They say, mourning the death of a loved one is a lifelong process, not something I can check off of my “to do” list, and the length of time is dictated solely by my feelings. 366 days have passed, and if time allows, more of the same is ahead. The elephant in the room is, I so terribly failed to pay attention to “arrhythmia”. Is that the answer to “why”, which will forever haunt me?

They say, mourning is one of the most personal and private emotions. It does not have a start date or a decisive end. How long mourning persists is very personal and does not need to be explained or justified…hmm…

They say, when enough time has passed and I sense that I’m ready to begin taking the steps to move forward, I’m supposed to be gentle with myself. No matter how or why my much better half perished, I’m supposed to love myself as best I can. I’m supposed to get sleep, eliminate chemicals (like drinking and substances), move my body, and look for ways to honor my much better half. I’m supposed to “live”, and if living feels too hard, simply “survive”. After doing time for a year, surviving is going to be my new “normal”. Is this post therapeutic? Am I to eventually move on, or simply survive? From my perspective, what is the definition of “moving on”? I know things, but I really don’t know things…

They say, I’m supposed to be true to myself and the grieving process, which is never ending. A cheerful thought is, my much better half would want me to live, and the best way to honor Jenf’s life is to value my own. This is me, and for now, my life is doing time and surviving in my loner way.

They say, after a year, its time to move on, but to what? For now and the future, I think I’m satisfied with surviving and simply obsessing over stuff. Its been a year, and I still don’t cook and only focus my attention on stuff that really has no meaning.

We all carry our body with us, and apart from the controls our mind imposes on our body, it has its own way of doing things. Wish I knew the expiration date that is invisibly stamped on my body so I can really plan to be with Ma again. Is “together again” really a possibility? Together, we never gave “death” a thought, except to mention every now and then that we should be responsible and make a Will, which we finally did in 2015, and promptly lost the hard copy. Its around here somewhere… Of course, to do the responsible thing, I re-worded our Will so it applies to me, and I left a trail of breadcrumbs for my loved ones to follow.

From the moment I found and fell in love with Jenf, and forever after, I always wrote and said,

Yes Love, Always

Miss you terribly Ma, and I hope you discovered a better-than-life way of doing things.